I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
