Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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