I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
