she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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