there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
