He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
