I love black thongs
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
