So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
