a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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