I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
