I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
