if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
