I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will be naked everywhere
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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