Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
