Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
