There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
