Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
