so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am available for nakedness
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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