I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
