Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
