Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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