I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
