If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
