I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
