you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
