you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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