So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
