I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
