So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
