dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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