I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
