Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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