Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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