my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
