I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
