It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
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