Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
