I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
