I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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