Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
