Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
