dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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