genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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