I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
