I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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