My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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