New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
