Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
