I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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