He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Let's get the cat blown out
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
